The truth is, I haven’t had the inclination to create anything physical, outside the boundaries of my computer, for a long, long time.

I’m not sure what is it that holds me back.

I have a ton of ideas. My brain is basically exploding.

I have so many things that I imagine making and planning all the steps and registering in my mind’s eye all the supply I will need in order to make these incredible stuff. But when push comes to shove, I just don’t do it.

It hurts me.

But I just don’t do.

I uploaded a scan of a caricature of my husband and I that an artist made in a recent holiday party we attended because when I see the sparkle this artist put in my eyes, I feel ashamed.

I feel that I’ve lost that sparkle.

I cannot pinpoint the reason for my current disinclination.

However I am pretty sure it has something to do with trying (and failing) to find a job as an attorney here, in California.

When I left Israel, first to Ireland and later to California, USA, I had left a great job that I liked and I was very good at. Very, very good.

After a few years of pursuing my artistic passions I longed to go back to practicing law. I missed the intellectual challenge as well as the look on my clients’ face when things worked out for them. I decided to study for the infamous California bar exam and lo and behold, I passed.

Academics were never an issue for me, but I looked at it as a signal that I can do well even if it’s not in my mother’s tongue. My intelligence quotient seems to translate to English (It should, as after all, it is a number).

Sadly, no one seems to give me a chance to prove it.

I feel that from something I became nothing and it saddens me. A. Lot.

I feel disappointed and even frightened that my move had severed my legal career.

Today I stumbled upon an old inspiration prompt I posted a few years ago: “Today Is The Day“.

I couldn’t have found it on a better time.

Just before the new year and soon after I have realized that I may have lost the sparkle in my eyes.

I am determined to find that fire and pursue it with all my might.

I hope I haven’t lost any of you by pouring my heart out…

My freebies will keep on coming!

Thank you so very much for your big and kind heart.

I appreciate all your comments and e-mails.

They are very comforting in this time of sorrow.

I want to reply to each and every one of your heartfelt condolences, but I feel too sad to say anything back.

Please do not interpret my silence as neglect. I read each and every comment and take it to heart.

I love you all!

Avital.

In the wee hours of the night, when the entire world (or at least my slice of it) is silent,
I find myself wide awake and my mind starts shouting.
Thoughts and worries and judgements are flooding me from within, loudly voicing their disapproval.
I toss and turn and try to shut them off but they stubbornly resurface, obnoxiously and selfishly.
I try to sleep only to become more and more alert.
I think about everything I have to do and everything I should have done but haven’t.
I want to be the one that does it all, effortlessly.
I want to sleep through the night without a worry in mind.
But I am not that person and I can’t.
I have so much in life.
Most of it is love.
Wonderful and pure love.
I am so grateful for that.
But all I can think about is the bads and the wrongs and the can-nots.
Mornings are so beautiful, so pristine – but I’m dreading my mornings again.
Dreading the work I have ahead of me and work I must put on the back burner for a while.
I try to stay awake as long as I can, as late as my eyes can keep open.
I try to weary myself, to bring myself to exhaustion.
I try everything I can to keep me from waking up in the middle of the night when everything is silent.
But I can’t.
Thus, in the wee hours of the night, when everything is silent,
My mind starts screaming out loud.

How are your wee hours of the night? Does your mind starts shouting whenever silence spreads around?